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Practical Jokes and misbehaviour

Some of the longer or more elaborate pranks will merit a page of their own, such as the beer racket. Others will be squeezed in as I remember them or they are brought to my attention. The ones I recall involve exploding crystals, shooting, mouse hunting, purple smoke, boiling urinals and more. Would readers please remind me of any others.

1. The Pigs Ear

Once the beer racket was running it was customary to have a pint during tea break whilst working overtime. This in turn led to tipplers needing to use the loo, the nearest of which was in the Radio Shop. Most of us didn't mind, although it was a hassle when it was raining. Too much of a hassle for Lunis. He decided to make private arrangements.

He first 'acquired' a pigs ear from a helicopter. (For those that haven't seen one, it comprises of a 5cm diameter cylinder about 12cm long. It is chrome plated and has a spring loaded lid. The bottom is connected to a rubber tube, the other end of which goes into a sort of rubber bladder. For those that haven't worked it out yet, the pilot inserts his Dick in the chrome tube in order to relieve himself)

Armed with his 'pigs ear' he proceeded to set it up in a corner of the Radar Shop. He used a hole where the outlet from the drinking fountain had been (before it and all associated piping were sold as scrap metal to fund beer kits) and put the other end of the rubber pipe in a drain. At this point I should perhaps mention that the rubber hose had a spiral spring inside and out to prevent the tube from collapsing. He used this quite happily for a few months in the winter. It was his custom to rest one hand on the electrical trunking and look out of the window whilst the other hand was engaged in deploying the pigs ear.

Unfortunately he continued to use this device when the summer returned. It started to attract files and didn't smell to good either! I was asked by some of my colleagues to stop him from using it. I said, "OK, give me a week".

In order to deter him from using it I got a one gallon can and drilled two holes in the lid then brazed in one long tube and one short one. The long one was connected to the rubber tube from the pigs ear and the short one to an air line via a solenoid valve. The electrical supply to the solenoid valve (28 VDC) was also connected to a high voltage flash tester. This produces about 200,000 Volts at a very low current. You guessed it, the output from the flash tester was connected to the spiral springs of the rubber tube. With everything set up and wires concealed I then waited a week for the can to fill up.

On the fateful day, I waited for Lunis to use the pigs ear and establish full flow. I pressed the button.

There was an enormous yell and a loud hissing sound. Lunis jumped back about a metre. Both hands were in the air. This meant that the spring loaded lid to the pigs ear snapped shut, clamping the contraption firmly to his Dick! Piss was blasting out at high pressure and soaking him to the skin. Lunis fell over on to his back, screaming blue murder. He was not happy! The jet of piss had subsided but he still had the high voltage on his Dick As he pulled away he somehow shorted out the 28V supply onto the spiral spring. This got very hot and set fire to the rubber tube. It also stopped the high voltage.

At this point Tom, the Shop Officer walked in. He was greeted by the sight of Lunis laying on the floor in a pool of piss, pigs ear firmly clamped to his Dick, effing and blinding and surrounded by smoke.

Tom just looked at him and said, "I want to see you in my office - after you've washed up!" He then left.

Lunis got up, detached the pigs ear and started inspecting himself for injuries. There were abrasions and a few cuts but apart from that he was OK, although he stunk something horrible.

He went to Tom's office as ordered where he received a very severe bollocking for skylarking and was ordered to clear up the mess.

He never used a pigs ear again!


See The Teams pages for details of the characters in RADAR Shop.




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